What are women about?

I haven't blogged for a while because basically I've been back at work.  I've even taken a giant leap and taken on a NEW CAREER PATH !  You know - its all the rage for people my age (and more).  Apparently its quite common and we can expect to do it more than once in our lifetime.

Well, barleese!  I know now why I should have worked harder and been better focussed when I was in my early 20's and studying at uni.  It's SO much harder now !!  I have less energy than back then, and I have a million more distractions (like husband, kid, house to manage etc). 

Some days I'm really proud of myself for achieving what I am, and doing something proactive to improve myself and my prospects etc...

And some days I'm just really sad that I can't be the person I really want to be - the kind of work I really want to do doesn't pay !! (parenting, volunteer committeee work, volunteer sports coaching and umpiring, fostering kids etc...)

I used be be a raging feminist - spouting off about equal rights and women and do anything !  Now, I wonder if the feminism movement hasn't just made life harder for women.  (Of course, there have been some huge benefits too - can't deny it). 

Is it just a case of the grass being greener?

On the fly....

photo by Bombardier

Previously I put forward the argument for staying at home for your kids (at least for the bulk of the time) and putting your major focus and energy into being there for them. Whilst I certainly believe in the merit of this, I also see the possible dangers. One of them being – living for your kids / through your kids. And failure to let them do their own living.



As our kids get older we must keep in mind our number one goal… which should be something along the lines of “raising a happy, independent, functional person”. Key word in this discussion is independent. Independent of what makes us happy sometimes.


I know some lovely people who are great parents generally, but ho have fallen into the trap of being too attached to their children. Attached and unable to unattach when required as the child grows. It hurts when child reaches a certain age and suddenly doesn’t want to hold your hand to cross the road, feels uncomfortable hugging you (especially in public), wants to hang with mates or girlfriend / boyfriend instead of you most of the time. This is a normal response. Good parenting. Allow the feeling of hurt, and go with it. Don’t hang on and try to avoid this feeling. This feeling is a sign of success in your parenting. A sign of growth and independence in your child. Thwarting it, forcing the togetherness, stifling their need to stretch, only damages and undoes all the good work you’ve done.


Example: Independent thinking, ambitious, young 15 year old wants to go to a specialist school to follow her dreams. School is 4 hours away and she will have to live away from home in boarding house. Ouch!! And at the same time – congratulations !! Initially she rings you constantly, is homesick, comes home to visit as much as she can…. Then suddenly, she forgets to call, is too busy to come home this weekend, etc. DOUBLE OUCH !! and yay !! – she’s settling in and getting closer to her dreams. Time for mum to get a hobby or dream for herself.


TIPS for surviving the growth of your children…


1. Accept that parenting is a constantly changing role… be ready for that next stage. In some ways, it’s just a series of short term contract jobs. Getting more and more part-time along the way.

2. Don’t forget you ! If you don’t have time for your hobby or your work or your dreams, at least keep thinking about them and add them into your life as much as you can fit. Having a dream for yourself keeps you sane and keeps you from holding them back.

3. Look after your other relationships – your partner, friends, parents, nieces, nephews. Don’t need your child to “need” you in order to feel wanted. Don’t have other relationships ? – try community work, get involved in helping others. (It’s a great role model for your kids too).

4. Remember that you are some-one’s child too. They wanted the best for you as you grew up – just as you do for your children. So don’t give away your dreams anymore than you would like to see your own child do so. (Again –be a role model in this area).

5. Don’t take it personally. When they move their life away from you, its because that’s what healthy growing children do. And likely, they’ll come back eventually in a different sort of format.

“If you love something – set it free.

If it comes back its yours.

If it doesn’t, it never was. “

I LOVE... my new fridge

For quite a few years now, in fact, ever since I moved in with my now hubby, we’ve had a fairly small fridge / freezer. We eat a lot of fresh veg and we are not the sort of people that have a fridge with not much in it… so eventually, finally, we have moved onto something bigger and this time I’ve gone for all fridge. We have a small chest freezer in the garage – where we keep excess veg, bulk supplies of bread etc – so didn’t have the need for freezer access on a daily basis. But with limited space in which to put the new machine in, we had to do something different in order to get the volume size I wanted.


We finally got this one – a F & P 420litre, and I love it. A big part of why I love it is it’s great energy rating. It’s 5 star rated which means it is VERY energy efficient.

In fact, we’re told it will only cost about $60 a year to run!! Terrific. But even better, it will do less damage to our environment. In fact, about as minimal damage as we can do while having a fridge in the home.


I feel greener already!



 
 
 
 
 
pic by by Stephen Barnett

Becoming a veg head

At age 12 I chose to become vegetarian – what a blow to my parents. They were farming people. They raised me well on a meat & 3 veg kind of diet. I’d loved my chops & my sausages as any other kid does. They had no reason to expect this backlash of rebellion would come. But it did.


At first they tried to accept and laugh it off (“she’ll forget by dinner time”). Then after a few weeks it started to annoy them. Hardly surprising – it was almost a slap in the face with regard to the lifestyle they had raised me with and expected me to join. Mum started to serve me up a piece of meat with each meal, and demand that I sit there until it was eaten. Unfortunately for her, she had raised me to have a keen sense of my own self and I steadfastly refused.


After some months, they settled back into a disgruntled sense of acceptance, but they spent many years with a tinge of anger hovering over the subject, and even as a young adult I was treated to the occasional sarcastic barb about my “freakishness”. Their refusal to fully accept this part of me still had the power to hurt me well into my twenties.


Somehow, time has mellowed us both. They no longer see it as a personal statement against them, and mum can even sometimes see the merit in a veg diet for health reasons (although my reasons are ethical). Dad simply gets on with things and doesn’t mention it – in fact I don’t think he gives it much thought at all these days. On my part – I can finally see how it might have hurt them on a personal level – although it was a good many years before that even occurred to me.


Now I have raised my son as a vegetarian. It’s only normal that we raise our children in the lifestyle we have chosen for ourselves. Obviously we think it the best.


Will he choose to eat meat? Will it strike me in the heart as my choice struck my parents? Will I accept his choice and cope with it better than they did? I hope so. I hope we can learn from the mistakes of the generations before us… And in the name of a good relationship with my son, I hope I can avoid the trauma of trying to hang on to a dream or belief that might be mine, but may not be his.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
by OakleyOriginals

Yes, I’d love to play…… with you

Yes, I’d love to play…… with you


Teenage terror had a mate over for the weekend just gone. A whole weekend, so they went beyond their usual x-box games, movies, soccer, and general teenage hanging out stuff they would do during a short term visit. And then I did the nasty mum thing… “please turn the x-box and tv off” for a while and find something else to do.”


Uh- oh – looks like the damage could be fatal. They are lost, they are miserable, they are wailing with the injustice of it all… They’ve got NOTHING to do, they’re bored, they don’t want to do x, y, or z because they’ve already done it or its too hot / cold / energetic / blah blah for them.


I suggest a game, monopoly?, cranium? No – too boring! How about some cards, perhaps…. OK, they’ve settled on cards. But will you play with us mum? It's much better with 3.


Will I play? Will I take out a few hours of my precious weekend to sit with some rowdy boys to play some game I probably don’t like and probably won’t understand their version of the rules and how they change constantly… well. Let’s see. I had planned to: clean the kitchen, do a load of laundry, go for a walk with the dog while the weather is nice, plant those peas before it rains, go to the gym, read my book, relax, socialise with grownups…. Hmmmm looks like I didn’t have anything important on. Who would’ve thought it?







Of course,YES - I’d love to play cards with you !!

So we play some cards – some games that I don’t particularly enjoy and then I teach them a new game (Switch - old fashioned UNO before they decorated the cards and wrote instructions on them). Wow – they love it! And I win !! Then I win again!! Don’t feel bad boys – I tell them, I am the switch playing champion of the world after all !! Aha!! The challenge is on. They start to work together (Cheats!) to do anything to beat me, to kill, me to "own" me!! And finally they do. Yay – success!

All are happy (even me – while nursing my now bruised ego).



Time to pack it up – we’ve got to .. (get dinner, go out, do x, y, z…)


What? No, let’s keep playing – they say. Pleeeeease.

And that is why I say yes to doing things that the kids want to do.. even when it’s not my first and natural choice to.

PS... I also say yes frequently to playing cricket (yuk), watching kid's TV and movies like - Ironman & Spiderman, playing X-box games (sometimes), playing monopoly, playing tennis, playing soccer, playing squash, swimming in the ocean, doing the obstacle course at the pool !, going into town, picking up friends, having kids over, visiting my family...etc  (btw  I don't necessarily not like all these things all the time...some of them I even do like !)

Wednesday is Gratitude Day:

I've read (and I have a sense of it myself) that remembering and considering the good parts of your life and being grateful for them is a healthy step to being and staying happy!!  SO... Wednesday is Gratitude Day.

Today I am grateful for… (my awareness of) the beauty of trees.


This one is a beauty that I look across at from down the road where I park to wait to pick up my son from the school bus.

Not sure what it is… (one of life’s future challenges is to find out !).

There is a line of gorgeous gums down the road from my parents house, and I want to recreate that beauty at my place.


Another thing I’m grateful for is the serendipitous way I got talking to a man I’ve never met before – about eucalypts! He had extensive knowledge, a passion and enthusiasm that I found contagious, and he’d even read…

Eucalyptus - by Murray Bail


Following my conversation with the man of trees, I now think my trees are lemon scented gums, although they have a pinkish tinged bark which caused me some confusion initially. I will take a pic and show you when I visit it in a few weeks.


Isn’t it fantastic when you meet some one with whom you share even just a tiny moment of having something intensely in common. And yet you know you can travel many hours and many miles before such a chance meeting will happen again. So I enjoyed our exchange – he even knew about eucalypt deglupta (otherwise known as “rainbow eucalyptus – wonder why?)

and how it is one of the very few eucalypt species that aren’t native to Australia, (I want to try to grow one !!)


and he explained to me the difference between salmon gum and lemon scented gums..

and how the colour of the trunks – although most distracting visually – can be a red herring as to species identification. Fascinating!!


Thank you Peter, for sharing your joy of trees with me!

Double Edged Sword

Raizo Ichikawa in Samurai Vendetta

© 1959 Kadokawa Pictures, Inc.

Watching your children grow up is a sharp and dangerous double edged sword. We do everything in our parenting power to prepare our children for independence and yet when it starts to arrive it stabs us in the heart. How hard is it to let go? Soooooo hard.



For a number of reasons.


• Timing – when is the right time to let go? Is there a certain age or stage that is best, or does it come and go in snippets.. no sooner do you think they are grown then they revert.


• Habit – we are so used to having them depend on us, perhaps in some way we sometimes depend on them to make us feel complete. Then letting them go is a scary time for us, because we now need to face the “who am I’ question and the answer is likely to be a shock!


• Fear – for them. It’s a big scary world out there. Have we taught them enough to get by, to do best, to survive the day even? Will they really do their homework (or equivalent) without prompting, will they eat properly, will they clean their teeth, shower frequently (this applies to boys!), be nice to their neighbours. We have a genuine sense of anxiety for them and about them – I don’t think we should feel guilty for this. Just be aware.


• Control – Let’s face it… as a parent we have a degree of control over our children and their lives.  Let's face it.  Control = a sense of knowing = a sense of security = safety. It’s hard to relinquish that safety. Human nature drives us to seek that safety. As a parent, we must first be AWARE that we have control, then seek to deliberately release the need for that sense of control. I recommend doing it slowly, piece by piece, with lots of time taken for consideration, reflection, self – reassurance along the way.



My boy is 14. I am feeling the edge of the sword quite sharply on occasion these days. And he is certainly pushing for independence on a growing basis each day it seems. I try to remember that it is his job to push for this, that it is my job to weigh the need with the ability and balance the difference. He is trying to establish a distance between us sometimes… nothing personal but important for him to develop independence. Time to allow him opinions that I don’t share, hobbies I don’t approve of, fashion that I don’t like. It can be uncomfortable – watching the change unfold in front of you.

 When things get hard, I try to think in terms of his needs for growth – not my needs for safety. That’s what good parenting is all about.


Ouch.

Off to school…

First day at school is always such a big deal… for mum as well as child! I recently sent one of my non-human babies off to school. After 3 years in the paddock, growing up and learning the basic rules, it was finally time to take him on a big journey all on his own, then leave him ALL ON HIS OWN, in the care of the chosen “teachers”. I referred to it as Boarding School. Here he is in his uniform – first day of class!!

 

It was hard to leave him there, and it was a very real reminder as to why I’m so glad I didn’t have to consider sending my human child to boarding school. Why would you ? The only reason I can see that makes any sense is that you live in an isolated area and cannot access a school any other way. School for primary aged kids – is just cruel and unnatural.


My niece has recently elected to attend a specialist arts school in the city 300kms away from home. She is 15. What a brave girl. She is really independent, confident, well-loved, adventurous.. and although she LOVES the school, she hates the boarding away part. She misses her mom, her brothers, her dad and grandparents, the familiar and comforting ways of home life. One can only imagine how much worse it would be if she hadn’t chosen the path herself, and didn’t know that she could come home at any time if it got too hard.

Just recently finished a book based on boarding school life.. called “Boy on A Wire” by Jon Doust.


Very real, quite funny – worth a look.









Anyone have any boarding school experiences that really shaped them? 
(hint, hint - invitation to comment!)

Mother's Day

Last year Mother's Day was a disaster.  Hubby didn't get son organised to go shopping, forgot to remind him in general.  In fact, probably forgot in general.  You see "special days" are a no go for hubby - but a big deal for me!!  This does cause a bit of friction occasionally as I would like to model my attitude for son to follow.  In my line of thinking "special days' are a good natural lead up to family traditions and they give a sense of family and home and safety to children (and to mums & dads!).

So last year, nobody even mentioned "Happy Mother's Day", no gift, no brekky in bed...  By 2pm I was ready to leave home - feeling very under-valued and neglected.  Needless to say, I did express my feelings to family.  Luckily, I found a friend to have coffee with and her Mother's Day was just as bad. We were able to console each other and go home without wanting to kill our partners and children.

But this year, I took it upon myself to remind son, to give hints for son, in the end I basically suggested a low cost gift, gave details and helped him to make it...

And this it it...

             

Isn't it gorgeous... its a voucher system where I hand in one of the "cheques" in exchange for the promise he has made on it. 

He promises to oblige...

I am really touched by it - even though I did suggest it and give technical support in all aspects... he has come up with some ideas that he knows really mean a lot to me... and in return will really "cost" him something that is important to him....

I feel loved.  I feel valued.  I think it is so cute I don't know if I have the heart to break out one of the "cheques"...  Just want to keep it and look at it every now and then to remind myself how he does love me.

Where did I get said idea in the first place....  from the voucher book he gave me 7 years ago when in Grade 2 (age 7).  That was definitely too cute to use... so I still have it in my bedside table.

Stay at home mum - please !

The modern woman has it all… loving husband, dutiful kids, clean house and a wonderful, well paid, challenging creative job. Yay.




Bull!

It just doesn’t happen like that.

When both parents in the family work full time, and engage their focus on work related things for 40 hours or so per week, then something has got to give. It’s usually the kids (and sometimes the marital relationship too).

Kids need the focus, the energy, the time from at least one parent – for a big chunk of their day.

Nobody is superwoman – you can’t give everything to work and still be there 100% for the kids. OK you say – let’s compromise. Let’s can wait until the appropriate time – until they are 3 years old, until they start school, until they start high school… Sorry, buteven though their needs for you may change, the demand on your time and focus does not.

One thing we shouldn’t compromise on is parenting.

I work part-time. Because financially I have to. My son is 14. Independent almost in a lot of ways. But somehow, since being on long service leave, my relationship with him has never been better. And my mental health and never been better. I am free to give him the time and focus required, and know that I still have time in the week somewhere to do the things important to me. It’s working so well, I’m exploring avenues of income generating that don’t require me to work so much (I’ll let you know if that works out).

I’ve watched kids for years. From pre-school to high school. And right from the very young, to the not so young, what I notice is the ones whose parents attentions are otherwise focussed are the ones that get into trouble, look lost, get too independent and grow up too fast (for their own good). The ones that ride it out the best – are the ones whose parents are available to them. Who make time to join in at their sports days, spend the weekend doing stuff with them, are home when they get home from school, but most importantly - have the personal energy to actively parent !

So do what’s best for your kids. Limit your work to part-time (if at all) and don’t let it take over your focus or energy either. Look at ways to reduce your financial needs to accommodate this. Do you really need all those new clothes, that extra car, an extra large screen tv, that new furniture. These things that we go to work for – are stealing our children from us.

So stay at home mum.


Please.

PS. Hey, this doesn’t mean “live only for your kids” that can be just as bad ! – more on this in future…..

In it for the long run….

To return to a seven habits viewpoint (Habit 2: begin with the end in mind), we need to remember that as a parent, our ultimate goal is usually something along the lines of "raising our children to be...."

Here’s what I am aiming for my son…


to be a good citizen,
to be happy,
to have the ability to have and keep good friends,
to be good father one day,
to have a good job that he enjoys,
to be a good husband
to be able to choose a good woman to partner him in life
to be successful in relationships,
to be able to deal with adversity (have a degree of resilience)
to believe in himself
to live a healthy lifestyle (for his own good)
to call his mum once a week and bring the grandkids around lots !! (ok, that one’s for me)


…so everything I do as a parent is aimed at bringing these points to reality.


Have I missed any big ones?


In fact, you can see that the two top ones are the most important, and the ones after can be included in either or both of these two (eg. To believe in himself – will contribute toward him being happy).


So it just gets simpler. Great.

The importance of habits…. (or how to change your future - and mould the future of your kids).

I read an interesting article by Steve Pavlina, called "The past DOES equal or future" which is based around how our future is predicted by our past. That is, you can fairly accurately predict where you’re going to be in the future based on what you’ve done in the past. It’s a very interesting article and initially I found it somewhat depressing.. . seeing as how I’m not in a high paid, well respected job, I have a history of relationship problems, etc. Things I don’t want to see myself being and doing in the future. I was hoping for a big change to magically happen.


But it all comes down to habits. We develop habits and the habits drive us through our life. Now if you are a smoker (or a nail biter or a lip chewer or an over eater, over drinker) …. you know how hard it is to stop a habit. In fact, in relation to how much we want it to happen, it rarely happens. And often a change we make initially will blow out over time and the old habit will return. (Yuk! Why is it so hard? What sort of system is this?)


But the way to change our future is to develop new habits !! In a conscientious and seriously committed effort, we can start doing something new over & over, enough times, until it becomes the new habit. I remember reading once about how many times it takes to make something an automatic habit.. it’s quite a bit.


For example, I did this recently without being aware of the process. I used to drink Milo (didn’t like tea or coffee). Milo is not too bad, but high in sugar and I couldn’t really stomach more than one or two a day. I though giving up Milo would help me control my weight. So I tried (& failed) to give it up. Then one day I tasted Chai tea. It was OK.  So I started to have the odd Chai tea at night instead of my regular Milo. Sometimes, I would be halfway through the Chai and I would throw it out and go make myself a Milo. But I kept trying it. Eventually, I found I could be happy with either. Now (about 1½ years later) I prefer Chai most of time. In fact, I think a good cup of Chai is one of life's ultimate simple pleasures! I never even consider having Milo. Ta daa !! New habit is formed.

I’m going to use this process now in an aware state, to mould what I do and how my future will look.


And I realise that without knowing it, I’ve been trying to develop good habits with my son. I’ve tried to develop habits like eating good food before treats, using good manners, doing chores before goofing off, cleaning teeth every morning and night, putting on fresh underwear morning and night etc. Some things I’ve succeeded at… for YEARS I chanted and sang at him as he came out of the toilet … “seat down, turn off the light, shut the door, wash your hands…” Then one day I heard him chanting it. And then I heard him telling his buddies when they come visit – "don’t forget to shut the door and wash your hands". Yay – successful parenting job !! Good habit established. (I still keep check and back these up things when necessary).


Now he’s older, I’m trying to encourage new development of good habits in eating, exercise, homework patterns, socialising, school / play / chores balance etc.


I like knowing what the process is now – it gives me fresh focus, motivation & hope.


xx

Turn the TV off

I know kids love to watch TV. Big kids and little kids. Even grown up kids (adults). But somehow, watching stuff on TV has become a bigger focus in our lives than doing stuff in our own lives !! You know – that ain’t livin’. We need to turn the TV off. And we need to teach our kids to turn the TV off.


I just came back from a weekend getaway with my 14 year old son. We co-holidayed with a girlfriend of mine and her 14 year old son. Recipe for fun  - right ? We stayed in a gorgeous bush cottage hide-away near a gorgeous beach, not far from a gorgeous little seaside town. There was heaps to do – bush walk, beach, rock climbing & exploring, bicycling, games (pool & ping pong) tennis, boardgames !! – and that was just at the cottage! In town, we had the option of canoeing up & down the river, dodging kangaroos on the golf course, enjoying the cafes, little shops, walkways, skatepark etc. etc . etc.


I was looking forward to a weekend of relaxing, having fun, ‘doing’ things, etc. but in fact the TV was turned on at first light in the morning, basically on at any point we were in the cottage, and every evening we watched a dvd !! And when we did play boardgames, the TV was left on (to compete with us for attention and focus. (I was outvoted and conceded to these things only out of politeness).


Yuck!! When did we get so that kids (and some adults) have to have a screen on at all times? What is the message we are sending them, we when can’t be firm enough in our guidance as to say “we are having a television free weekend away”. Hello – haven’t they got a dvd shop at home? Can’t they just record anything that is so important they can’t bear to miss it? All this technology, and instead of using it to our advantage, it owns us, owns our kids.


I’ve even tried on holidays to ring ahead and get the TV taken out of the room before we arrive… you can’t imagine the resistance I have to this!


Please – can’t we just turn the TV off.

I feel so strongly about this, I will be posting about it each week.