Double Edged Sword

Raizo Ichikawa in Samurai Vendetta

© 1959 Kadokawa Pictures, Inc.

Watching your children grow up is a sharp and dangerous double edged sword. We do everything in our parenting power to prepare our children for independence and yet when it starts to arrive it stabs us in the heart. How hard is it to let go? Soooooo hard.



For a number of reasons.


• Timing – when is the right time to let go? Is there a certain age or stage that is best, or does it come and go in snippets.. no sooner do you think they are grown then they revert.


• Habit – we are so used to having them depend on us, perhaps in some way we sometimes depend on them to make us feel complete. Then letting them go is a scary time for us, because we now need to face the “who am I’ question and the answer is likely to be a shock!


• Fear – for them. It’s a big scary world out there. Have we taught them enough to get by, to do best, to survive the day even? Will they really do their homework (or equivalent) without prompting, will they eat properly, will they clean their teeth, shower frequently (this applies to boys!), be nice to their neighbours. We have a genuine sense of anxiety for them and about them – I don’t think we should feel guilty for this. Just be aware.


• Control – Let’s face it… as a parent we have a degree of control over our children and their lives.  Let's face it.  Control = a sense of knowing = a sense of security = safety. It’s hard to relinquish that safety. Human nature drives us to seek that safety. As a parent, we must first be AWARE that we have control, then seek to deliberately release the need for that sense of control. I recommend doing it slowly, piece by piece, with lots of time taken for consideration, reflection, self – reassurance along the way.



My boy is 14. I am feeling the edge of the sword quite sharply on occasion these days. And he is certainly pushing for independence on a growing basis each day it seems. I try to remember that it is his job to push for this, that it is my job to weigh the need with the ability and balance the difference. He is trying to establish a distance between us sometimes… nothing personal but important for him to develop independence. Time to allow him opinions that I don’t share, hobbies I don’t approve of, fashion that I don’t like. It can be uncomfortable – watching the change unfold in front of you.

 When things get hard, I try to think in terms of his needs for growth – not my needs for safety. That’s what good parenting is all about.


Ouch.