Previously I put forward the argument for staying at home for your kids (at least for the bulk of the time) and putting your major focus and energy into being there for them. Whilst I certainly believe in the merit of this, I also see the possible dangers. One of them being – living for your kids / through your kids. And failure to let them do their own living.
As our kids get older we must keep in mind our number one goal… which should be something along the lines of “raising a happy, independent, functional person”. Key word in this discussion is independent. Independent of what makes us happy sometimes.
I know some lovely people who are great parents generally, but ho have fallen into the trap of being too attached to their children. Attached and unable to unattach when required as the child grows. It hurts when child reaches a certain age and suddenly doesn’t want to hold your hand to cross the road, feels uncomfortable hugging you (especially in public), wants to hang with mates or girlfriend / boyfriend instead of you most of the time. This is a normal response. Good parenting. Allow the feeling of hurt, and go with it. Don’t hang on and try to avoid this feeling. This feeling is a sign of success in your parenting. A sign of growth and independence in your child. Thwarting it, forcing the togetherness, stifling their need to stretch, only damages and undoes all the good work you’ve done.
Example: Independent thinking, ambitious, young 15 year old wants to go to a specialist school to follow her dreams. School is 4 hours away and she will have to live away from home in boarding house. Ouch!! And at the same time – congratulations !! Initially she rings you constantly, is homesick, comes home to visit as much as she can…. Then suddenly, she forgets to call, is too busy to come home this weekend, etc. DOUBLE OUCH !! and yay !! – she’s settling in and getting closer to her dreams. Time for mum to get a hobby or dream for herself.
TIPS for surviving the growth of your children…
1. Accept that parenting is a constantly changing role… be ready for that next stage. In some ways, it’s just a series of short term contract jobs. Getting more and more part-time along the way.
2. Don’t forget you ! If you don’t have time for your hobby or your work or your dreams, at least keep thinking about them and add them into your life as much as you can fit. Having a dream for yourself keeps you sane and keeps you from holding them back.
3. Look after your other relationships – your partner, friends, parents, nieces, nephews. Don’t need your child to “need” you in order to feel wanted. Don’t have other relationships ? – try community work, get involved in helping others. (It’s a great role model for your kids too).
4. Remember that you are some-one’s child too. They wanted the best for you as you grew up – just as you do for your children. So don’t give away your dreams anymore than you would like to see your own child do so. (Again –be a role model in this area).
5. Don’t take it personally. When they move their life away from you, its because that’s what healthy growing children do. And likely, they’ll come back eventually in a different sort of format.
“If you love something – set it free.
If it comes back its yours.
If it doesn’t, it never was. “
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