Stay at home mum - please !

The modern woman has it all… loving husband, dutiful kids, clean house and a wonderful, well paid, challenging creative job. Yay.




Bull!

It just doesn’t happen like that.

When both parents in the family work full time, and engage their focus on work related things for 40 hours or so per week, then something has got to give. It’s usually the kids (and sometimes the marital relationship too).

Kids need the focus, the energy, the time from at least one parent – for a big chunk of their day.

Nobody is superwoman – you can’t give everything to work and still be there 100% for the kids. OK you say – let’s compromise. Let’s can wait until the appropriate time – until they are 3 years old, until they start school, until they start high school… Sorry, buteven though their needs for you may change, the demand on your time and focus does not.

One thing we shouldn’t compromise on is parenting.

I work part-time. Because financially I have to. My son is 14. Independent almost in a lot of ways. But somehow, since being on long service leave, my relationship with him has never been better. And my mental health and never been better. I am free to give him the time and focus required, and know that I still have time in the week somewhere to do the things important to me. It’s working so well, I’m exploring avenues of income generating that don’t require me to work so much (I’ll let you know if that works out).

I’ve watched kids for years. From pre-school to high school. And right from the very young, to the not so young, what I notice is the ones whose parents attentions are otherwise focussed are the ones that get into trouble, look lost, get too independent and grow up too fast (for their own good). The ones that ride it out the best – are the ones whose parents are available to them. Who make time to join in at their sports days, spend the weekend doing stuff with them, are home when they get home from school, but most importantly - have the personal energy to actively parent !

So do what’s best for your kids. Limit your work to part-time (if at all) and don’t let it take over your focus or energy either. Look at ways to reduce your financial needs to accommodate this. Do you really need all those new clothes, that extra car, an extra large screen tv, that new furniture. These things that we go to work for – are stealing our children from us.

So stay at home mum.


Please.

PS. Hey, this doesn’t mean “live only for your kids” that can be just as bad ! – more on this in future…..

In it for the long run….

To return to a seven habits viewpoint (Habit 2: begin with the end in mind), we need to remember that as a parent, our ultimate goal is usually something along the lines of "raising our children to be...."

Here’s what I am aiming for my son…


to be a good citizen,
to be happy,
to have the ability to have and keep good friends,
to be good father one day,
to have a good job that he enjoys,
to be a good husband
to be able to choose a good woman to partner him in life
to be successful in relationships,
to be able to deal with adversity (have a degree of resilience)
to believe in himself
to live a healthy lifestyle (for his own good)
to call his mum once a week and bring the grandkids around lots !! (ok, that one’s for me)


…so everything I do as a parent is aimed at bringing these points to reality.


Have I missed any big ones?


In fact, you can see that the two top ones are the most important, and the ones after can be included in either or both of these two (eg. To believe in himself – will contribute toward him being happy).


So it just gets simpler. Great.

The importance of habits…. (or how to change your future - and mould the future of your kids).

I read an interesting article by Steve Pavlina, called "The past DOES equal or future" which is based around how our future is predicted by our past. That is, you can fairly accurately predict where you’re going to be in the future based on what you’ve done in the past. It’s a very interesting article and initially I found it somewhat depressing.. . seeing as how I’m not in a high paid, well respected job, I have a history of relationship problems, etc. Things I don’t want to see myself being and doing in the future. I was hoping for a big change to magically happen.


But it all comes down to habits. We develop habits and the habits drive us through our life. Now if you are a smoker (or a nail biter or a lip chewer or an over eater, over drinker) …. you know how hard it is to stop a habit. In fact, in relation to how much we want it to happen, it rarely happens. And often a change we make initially will blow out over time and the old habit will return. (Yuk! Why is it so hard? What sort of system is this?)


But the way to change our future is to develop new habits !! In a conscientious and seriously committed effort, we can start doing something new over & over, enough times, until it becomes the new habit. I remember reading once about how many times it takes to make something an automatic habit.. it’s quite a bit.


For example, I did this recently without being aware of the process. I used to drink Milo (didn’t like tea or coffee). Milo is not too bad, but high in sugar and I couldn’t really stomach more than one or two a day. I though giving up Milo would help me control my weight. So I tried (& failed) to give it up. Then one day I tasted Chai tea. It was OK.  So I started to have the odd Chai tea at night instead of my regular Milo. Sometimes, I would be halfway through the Chai and I would throw it out and go make myself a Milo. But I kept trying it. Eventually, I found I could be happy with either. Now (about 1½ years later) I prefer Chai most of time. In fact, I think a good cup of Chai is one of life's ultimate simple pleasures! I never even consider having Milo. Ta daa !! New habit is formed.

I’m going to use this process now in an aware state, to mould what I do and how my future will look.


And I realise that without knowing it, I’ve been trying to develop good habits with my son. I’ve tried to develop habits like eating good food before treats, using good manners, doing chores before goofing off, cleaning teeth every morning and night, putting on fresh underwear morning and night etc. Some things I’ve succeeded at… for YEARS I chanted and sang at him as he came out of the toilet … “seat down, turn off the light, shut the door, wash your hands…” Then one day I heard him chanting it. And then I heard him telling his buddies when they come visit – "don’t forget to shut the door and wash your hands". Yay – successful parenting job !! Good habit established. (I still keep check and back these up things when necessary).


Now he’s older, I’m trying to encourage new development of good habits in eating, exercise, homework patterns, socialising, school / play / chores balance etc.


I like knowing what the process is now – it gives me fresh focus, motivation & hope.


xx

Turn the TV off

I know kids love to watch TV. Big kids and little kids. Even grown up kids (adults). But somehow, watching stuff on TV has become a bigger focus in our lives than doing stuff in our own lives !! You know – that ain’t livin’. We need to turn the TV off. And we need to teach our kids to turn the TV off.


I just came back from a weekend getaway with my 14 year old son. We co-holidayed with a girlfriend of mine and her 14 year old son. Recipe for fun  - right ? We stayed in a gorgeous bush cottage hide-away near a gorgeous beach, not far from a gorgeous little seaside town. There was heaps to do – bush walk, beach, rock climbing & exploring, bicycling, games (pool & ping pong) tennis, boardgames !! – and that was just at the cottage! In town, we had the option of canoeing up & down the river, dodging kangaroos on the golf course, enjoying the cafes, little shops, walkways, skatepark etc. etc . etc.


I was looking forward to a weekend of relaxing, having fun, ‘doing’ things, etc. but in fact the TV was turned on at first light in the morning, basically on at any point we were in the cottage, and every evening we watched a dvd !! And when we did play boardgames, the TV was left on (to compete with us for attention and focus. (I was outvoted and conceded to these things only out of politeness).


Yuck!! When did we get so that kids (and some adults) have to have a screen on at all times? What is the message we are sending them, we when can’t be firm enough in our guidance as to say “we are having a television free weekend away”. Hello – haven’t they got a dvd shop at home? Can’t they just record anything that is so important they can’t bear to miss it? All this technology, and instead of using it to our advantage, it owns us, owns our kids.


I’ve even tried on holidays to ring ahead and get the TV taken out of the room before we arrive… you can’t imagine the resistance I have to this!


Please – can’t we just turn the TV off.

I feel so strongly about this, I will be posting about it each week.